Jealousy between siblings is a fact of life. Though it is difficult for parents to witness it, it’s common for children under seven to say things like:
Do you even care about me anymore?
I hate that baby, and I hate you!
I don’t want a sister!
Pinching, kicking, teasing, arguing, fighting over toys and grades are all signs of sibling rivalry. However, instead of blaming ourselves for our children’s behavior, we should empathize and teach them empathy, because they should learn to express their emotions civilly.
Children feel frustrated when parents, perhaps unconsciously, criticize and put labels. This frustration may later result in anger, anxiety or defiance.
What parents should know is that sibling rivalry is unavoidable, but the degree of jealousy depends on how we, as the adults in the family, deal with it. Also, we should remember that a certain amount of bickering is ok for children as it teaches them how to deal with conflict from an early age.
Most commom causes of siblings fighting
1. They need attention
One of the most common causes of jealousy is receiving less care than the new sibling.
2. Sharing issues
A lot of fights between brothers and sisters start when they do not want to share. But sharing is a foreign concept to most toddlers under the age of two.
3. Different and evolving needs
Kids of different ages have different needs. For example, a 5-year old firstborn may not understand why she has to wait for her baby brother to eat before going out for ice cream.
4. Role models
Children learn from negative behavior that they see on a constant basis. If they frequently witness yelling, they are likely to try to solve their problems by raising the tone.
How to minimize sibling rivalry
1. Take turns instead of sharing
Forcing your kids to share builds frustration and could give way to tantrums, that is why asking them instead to take turns is much more effective. They will learn to know that their turn will come sooner or later, whereas, in the case of sharing, they usually feel that they will get the toy if they scream loud enough or beg long enough. When taking turns, small children experience a feeling of inner satisfaction when they are done with the toy and give it to their sibling.
“Now is Martha’s turn to play with the race car. Let’s wait for your turn.”
You could also set a rule for taking turns.
“Your turn is after breakfast.”
2. Avoid comparisons
You should praise your child about her achievements while, at the same time, avoiding labels. Otherwise, she feels you love her sibling more and that she is not good enough. Do not say:
“Why don’t you just put your shoes on as your brother does? You are older than him.”
3. Encourage your kids to express their emotions verbally
Teach your children to communicate their needs orally rather than physically, in a way that does not harm others.
“You have kicked your sister. No kicking. Tell her “I don’t like that you have taken my toy. Please give it back to me”, or
” I feel upset that you have taken my bike without asking me.”
You should encourage them to check first before taking each other’s toys/objects.
When your toddler craves for your attention, and you are super busy with the baby, teach her to say “Mom, I need you to help me with my drawing.” Help her right away so that she knows she can count on you.
4. Love them differently since each of them is unique
Kids do not expect their parents to treat them the same all the time. Show them that you care according to their evolving needs. For instance, you shouldn’t buy sandals for your two daughters just because one of them needs a new pair. You should tather say:
“Rianna got a new pair of sandals because the other ones are now too small. Yours are new. You received a new pair last month. “
Or, if your son asks:
“Who do you love more, me or Joey?”
Say:
“I love you in different ways as you are unique.”
Special case: New arrivals
1. Tell your toddler about the new baby
Preparing your toddler for the arrival of the new baby is paramount. Consider showing her pictures of herself when she was a baby. You could also tell her that she used to nurse, cry a lot and was in need of constant mommy care. Feeling the baby’s kicks is another excellent way to connect, as well talking to the bump. You may want to bring her to your doctor’s appointment to hear the baby’s heart beatings. Moreover, you could spend the last trimester decorating together the new baby’s room.
This way, you will create memories that can last for a lifetime.
Routine is great for children as it gives them a sense of security. Therefore, avoid changing your firstborn’s routine just when the baby arrives. Try to do this either a couple of months before birth or some months afterward. Additionally, spending time with another caregiver before the new baby comes may also help your toddler cope better.
To make the transition easier, you should get your toddler involved in the preparations and allow her to decide occasionally on minor matters:
“What color should the all-in-one be? Green or blue?”
2. Going into labor: don’t let him or her feel left apart
You should explain clearly to your toddler that you are going to the hospital for a few days if you’re planning on a hospital birth. Start telling this to her a few weeks before your due date. If possible, don’t send her away from home during this period so that she doesn’t feel left apart. Visiting you at the hospital is an excellent way for you to feel close.
3. Taking care of the newborn: get her involved
Get her interested in taking care of her new brother or sister. She may become your little assistant, throwing away the diapers or singing to the baby while you are getting dressed. When the baby is crying, ask her why it might need. It helps her build empathy toward her new brother or sister.
4. Minimize jealousy
Specialists advise that we should empathize, acknowledge our child’s mixed emotions and reconnect with her.
“He cries a lot during the night, doesn’t he? I’m tired, too.”
Try to win her cooperation through play.
“I know you are upset that I’m nursing your brother right now, but here, let’s get on the floor and start solving this puzzle.”
Remember that, like all human beings, kids show empathy when they feel understood.
5. More one on one time
Starting the day with one-on-one time with your toddler, by spending time in bed when she wakes up, is an awesome idea for one-on-one time. Another idea is to make a quick walk to the grocery store together, just the two of you. You could also spend quality time together while the little one is napping.
