Three-year-olds Emma and Noah are quietly playing in the sand on the beach. Suddenly, the little girl starts crying because Noah has taken the watering can from her. The next second, she hits him on the head with the sand shovel.
Toddlers get into conflict time and again. One reason is that they have a primitive sense of time. Before the age of three, young children generally believe that things are fixed, that they cannot change. In the midst of anger, they fail to understand that that particular situation is not going to last forever. Besides, they forget they can control their emotions.
These reactions are developmentally appropriate for toddlers.
We are not born with conflict resolution skills. But we need to master them because we are social beings. Hence, instead of rescuing our kids from conflict, we must teach them how to resolve their differences. Our gentle guidance, coupled with minimum involvement, will build their self-confidence. In the long run, this will improve their well-being and relationship with others.
Learning from early on how to solve conflicts gently and thoughtfully will influence the quality of the child’s relationships in his adult life.
When faced with a dispute between toddlers, we need to:
1. Manage our own emotions (keep calm),
2. Stop hurtful behavior
3. Identify the issue
4. Brainstorm for solutions
5. Prevent
1. Be calm
We need to approach the rising conflict calmly and swiftly, to provide children with an example of how to behave when in disagreement.
In short, take a deep breath before starting to speak.
2. Limit negative behavior
Stopping hurtful behavior and bad language is a prerequisite so that the conflict does not escalate. For siblings, a reminder of house rules is an efficient way to address rising differences.
To better connect with children, get down at their eye level by sitting on a low chair, on the floor, or by merely kneeling. Children are more cooperative when they feel that they are treated as equal, not ordered around.
3. State the problem in a neutral way
Adults need to listen to both sides of the conflict to get a fair idea of what has happened and how each child feels. Let each kid recount the situation. Tell them that each gets a turn at describing what happened and that they can not interrupt one another.
What is crucial is to approach the situation in a non-judgemental way. A neutral approach works best:
“I hear that Alice did not wait for her turn at playing with the little cat, and you pushed her away.”
4. Find solutions
“Let’s figure out what we can do about it.”
Brainstorm for possible ideas for resolving the conflict. Ask each child to come up with suggestions, rather than addressing the problem for them. It takes practice, but they will get better and better at finding ideas for compromise. Stress the benefit each child receives from a proposed solution.
Write down a list of potentially practical ideas and clip it on the fridge, for instance. Even if they cannot read yet, kids will believe that the piece of paper must be important. They will feel that the adults value the solutions they have proposed so they will find value in them too.
When the list is final, ask the kids to try them. Some ideas may work only for a short time, especially for the youngest children. They are most likely to come back to the adult to ask for remediation. In this case, consider refining the solution.
5. Prevention management
Older toddlers and preschoolers manage their emotions better when they put a name to their feelings. Teaching children facial expressions and gestures for fury, sadness, fear, disappointment, joy, and mistrust can enhance empathy; in turn, they will feel better understood by others.
“Emma seems grumpy in that picture, doesn’t she?”
“You seem angry. Is it because Noah has taken your toy?”
Using flash cards or playing pretend games can help kids to determine, and even foresee, how other people may feel. Such activities can also help toddlers identify their feelings more accurately.
“The girl in the picture seems sad because her mom is leaving for work, don’t you agree?”
For preschoolers, rule-governed games, like hopscotch, board games or team sports, can also teach about negotiation skills, cooperation, and competition.
Moreover, showing kids ways to calm down can prevent conflicts. Parents can teach kids to:
- put their arms around themselves when they feel like hitting somebody else
- use keywords like Stop, Please, and Mine
- count from one to ten
- use a by-myself calming space / a chill space
- gather at the peace table
- take a breath before speaking
- sit quietly
- have a glass of water.
Other more creative ideas are throwing an imaginary angry ball, singing a familiar lullaby (especially when a young kid cannot calm down because of fear or anger), having the child paint out his or her fury on a sheet of paper / in the yard, or singing “Happy Birthday” and blowing out the candle.
Remember that emotions are not wrong and that the aim is to help kids regulate not hide them.
After all, conflict is an opportunity to enhance social behavior. Do not resolve kids’ brawls and arguments. After all, our days are invariably full of social interactions, so we continuously need to exercise our conflict handling skills. That is why allowing our children to grab any opportunity to practice is the best we can do.
