For several weeks now, four-year-old Alice has started to assert her wishes adamantly. She turns a deaf ear when her mother says that they should leave her friend’s house, protests when it is time to get dressed in the morning, and outrightly defies her dad when he tells Alice she is not allowed to throw balls and spoons around the kitchen.
So, why is Alice defiant all of a sudden?
Defiance is how kids assert themselves. When oppositional, kids are already upset about something, and they feel disconnected from their parents or carers.
That is why showing understanding and reinforcing positive behavior rather than using punishment, will yield better results.
Traditional discipline may solve the matter in the short term. In the long run, however, the child needs to choose right from wrong because she wants to, and not because she is afraid of punishment.
Punishing is likely to make a young kid feel pushed around unjustly, deepening the disconnection from her parents. Overreacting by using punishment is guaranteed to escalate the battle. Kids are likely to show resistance, either openly or in the passive-aggressive form.
Alice’s parents may win one battle by using traditional discipline, but they will lose the war by escalating the conflict instead of reacting peacefully in a constructive manner.
How should we reinforce positive behavior rather than traditional discipline when young kids are defiant?
Here are our most valuable tips:
Alice ignores her mother when she tells something
It’s 7.30 in the morning. Four-year-old Alice, who has just eaten her breakfast, has started playing with her favorite doll, instead of getting ready to get out of the house.
“Alice, let’s get dressed, honey. We need to leave in ten minutes”.
Alice acts as if she has not heard her mother. She tuned out her mother. Why?
Alice has heard her mother’s request for sure. However, she is too immersed in her play to pay attention to her mom. Toddlers seldom imagine it is more important to get dressed when they are in the middle of an exciting game.
Before ordering Alice to get dressed, from the other corner of the room, mom should first connect with Alice. She should go close to Alice, get down to her level, slightly touch her, and wait until Alice looks at her. At that moment, mom should acknowledge in a warm tone, the importance of what Alice is doing:
Wow, your doll Maisie seems to be sick. She should see a doctor.
Alice should have the chance to answer. Then, mom can continue with kindly setting the limit:
Can I tell you something? I know it’s difficult to stop playing. But right now, we need to get dressed in the lilac frock you chose yesterday evening.
If Alice continues to ignore her, her mother should try again to reconnect, in a kind and firm way; let Alice know that she is on her side, and not part of the problem. A lecture on being ready on time would be a waste of energy and would get everybody upset.
Alice hits another child
During the day, mom receives a call from the preschool director that Alice has hit a small boy. The boy was playing with his a toy which Alice grabbed. The teacher told her that the rule is to wait for her turn. But instead, Alice looked the teacher in the eye and hit the boy in the head with a wooden cube.
Hitting another person is a strong signal that Alice is scared of something. She is not trying to defy the rules; more likely, she is defending herself.
There may be several triggers, either at home or at the nursery school. At home, Alice may feel unsafe if her parents fight or, perhaps, she has seen something scary on television. She may feel afraid because she cannot understand a game that the teacher has recently explained to the kids.
By applying traditional discipline, mom will not learn the reasons behind Alice’s behavior; consequently, she will not be able to address the root cause.
Reinforcing a clear limit is critical:
“We do not hit. We do not hurt other people”.
However, Alice most likely knows that already. That is why it is not enough to repeat the rules.
Mother should reconnect with Alice and find out what drove her to lash out as she did. Listening, connecting, and showing understanding by naming feelings (but not agreement) is what matters.
“It sounds you got angry. What happened back there?”
Then mother should ask Alice what the little girl can do to make things better with the little boy that she hit :
“How can you make Alex feel better? Do you think we should pay him a visit to apologize?”
Finally, they should talk about how Alice can handle the situation differently in the future.
“Let us think of what you can do next time when you want a toy you can’t have.”
Brainstorm for solutions together, like turn-waiting, looking if there is any other exciting toy around, kindly asking for it.
Alice purposefully destroys property without any apparent trigger
It’s 7 p.m. Alice and dad are sitting on the floor, drawing balloons together on a piece of paper. At one point, Alice gets bored and starts coloring the carpet. She giggles as she notices the fresh stain, then quickly grabs a marker of a different color and draws another line on the thick woven fabric. Dad advises Alice to stop. She throws him a quick knowing glance and begins throwing markers and crayons around the living room.
Kids plainly showing defiance by destroying property generally means that there is a relationship problem.
As far as toddlers are concerned, a bit of reconnection (like a hug, a tickling game) rather than discipline, is all that is required. Perhaps dad was not giving Alice his undivided attention. He was talking on the phone or with mom.
He could offer her his full attention by starting a fun game. For instance, as Alice is busy throwing markers around, dad could start a tickle game: “I’m gonna getcha. I’m gonna getcha.” Alice will probably begin to giggle with anticipation and forget what she was doing.
The next step is telling her that what she has done was wrong:
“We don’t destroy property, and we do not throw things around the house. Now we need to clean up. Will you help me? Please ask mom for a sponge. I will get some rubbing alcohol”.
Sometimes, lack of cooperation stems from parents’ ongoing behavior. Children perceive parents as unfair or not listening when they hurry their kids around. Parents’ tantrums can also create distance.
“Alice, maybe I have not paid attention to why you were arguing with your brother before dinner. Can you tell me more about it?”
Listen and understand the child’s perspective:
“You feel you always have to give up want you want because of your brother. It must be tough for you.”
Propose solutions:
“So, you wanted to solve that puzzle, and your brother kept taking your puzzle pieces. What if, next time, we give him a teething toy to chew on?”
When children are confrontational or obstinate without any apparent reason, parents should re-establish a connection to find out the root cause of misbehavior.
With toddlers, who may not be able to put a name to their feelings, preventive management is essential. Anticipating basic needs like being hungry and needing sleep is often all it takes to help children cope. Empowering them by offering alternatives is also likely to tame their behavior. But, above all, gentle and firm guidance is what children need to do better.
How do you deal with toddler defiance? Share with other moms what has worked for you.
