The stress of bringing up kids, especially when you and your partner have different child-rearing strategies, can put a strain on your romantic relationship.
Diverging parenting philosophies often lead to frequent power struggles. Your partner goes to the baby’s room every time he hears a whimper while you would like her to learn to self-soothe. He lets the kids play with iPads while you think that the early use of gadgets leads to poor performance in school. You are a strong believer in baby routines while he wants to go out for dinner around the time the baby should be put to bed for the evening. You think that self-directed play is beneficial for the baby while he says that not everything is like in the books you read.
Here are your solutions:
1. Divide chores clearly
Unfair or ambiguous division of chores makes couples feel constantly annoyed at each other. Responsibilities should be split clearly as ambiguity gives rise to conflict. The important thing is for both partners to feel that the division of chores is equitable rather than 50/50 split. Your partner may prefer plumbing and mowing the lawn while you are far better at cooking. You may enjoy alone time by going to the grocery store while he likes to take your son to his soccer training.
Men tend to perform their duties when they are clearly defined. That is why good communication is key to avoiding power struggles. Passive aggressive attitudes also do not function well with men because they just don’t get it. Clearly decide how many nights per week each of you is in charge of changing diapers and feedings, who is handling bathtime and the evening bottle, who is preparing dinner and breakfast. For instance, on the day you handle bathtime, he could cook dinner.
A frequent reason for discussions is that as soon as your partner comes in from the office, you put the baby in his arms. Consider giving him 20-minute alone time and, in return, he should handle the baby until bathtime.
It may be pleasant to do some chores together, as a family. Walking the dog in the evening or going together to the farmers’ market on Sunday morning. While it is more practical to split chores, the downside is that you spend less time together.
2. Do not overcriticize
Another fundamental aspect is not to criticize the way your partner is taking care of the baby. Women tend to be especially sensitive about how others tend to the baby when they are still breastfeeding, due to hormones.
Many fathers do not get involved as much as the mothers would like as women tend to micromanage. In their eyes, fathers are less-informed since they are not the primary caregivers.
Criticizing someone every time they perform a task is not constructive. Your partner will just feel that he is not good enough and stop doing the task. As a consequence, feelings of resentfulness and annoyment will arise in both of you.
How to tackle the issue? As long as your partner is not doing something that could be potentially unsafe for the baby, let him discover on his own the consequences of his own actions.
3. Small signs of love
Small attentions like buying his favorite wine and sharing a glass after the baby is asleep, go a long way.
Other small gestures that can immensely improve your relationship:
- text him a joke rather than remind him to go to the grocery store
- send him a thank you text for filling in the gas tank
- tell him how good he is at entertaining the baby
- have a 5-minute active talk on politics if that is his thing or a 10-minute conversation on that new food recipe if she seems very excited about it
- buy her the new book that her favorite author has just published.
4. Frequent physical touch
Getting enough physical intimacy can improve your relationship immeasurably. Physical touch does not have to be something that happens only before sex. It also includes a random peck, holding hands, putting an arm around her shoulder, or putting your legs on your partner’s lap while watching a movie.
5. Sense of humor
When your partner forgets to walk the dog, instead of becoming irritated, you could say: “I guess we’ll be washing the floor tonight, but hey, it’ll prepare us for potty training”.
6. More couple time
You don’t need to go to a fancy restaurant. You could:
- share a glass of wine when the baby is napping
- run an errand together when grandparents offer to babysit
- do a couple of chores together instead of splitting them, like cooking dinner
- have a 20-minute daily conversation about anything other than the baby, work or daily routines.
Having sex is also critical for strengthening your relationship and closeness. Although sleep is far more appealing to parents with small children, remember that sex does not have to take more than 15-20 minutes.
The first rule is to not talk about the baby and the second one is that hanging out with friends does not count.
7. More me time
Repeatedly ignoring your own needs so that you spend more time with your family can build up frustration and resentment which will eventually harm your relationship with your partner.
Alone time does not necessarily mean disappearing from home for an entire weekend although it may seem an appealing prospect sometimes. You can take 20 minutes to read a book while the baby is napping or take a walk in the evening. You can also ask your partner to take the baby out for a stroll while you remain at home.
Do not keep scores
Keeping scores makes couple conflicts only get worse. However, maintaining a relationship requires a positive attitude and being open to discussing problems.
For instance, if your husband wakes up late on Sunday morning while you have been up with the baby since 6 am, can make you mad on principle. You should ask yourself if his late sleep affects you in any way. Have you been able to drink your coffee while the baby was playing quietly near you? Yes? Then, it does it matter so much that he slept? No? Then think no more of it.
Conclusion
All couples have problems, but happily married couples are able to discuss differences of opinion with respect and empathy.
Parenthood can be a rollercoaster but remember to cooperate with your partner even if you believe he has done something wrong. This attitude will pay out in the long run as your fights will lessen if you employ a peaceful tone.
Before starting a fight, always ask yourself this question: “Is it worth it? Has the baby’s safety been affected? Can we do something to rebalance the situation?”
What have you done to improve your relationship after having kids? Share with us your experience.
