Most parents believe that loving their children means quite literally, always being there for them. During babyhood, they try, without any luck, to put the baby to sleep for 3 hours straight. During toddlerhood, they avoid tantrums by buying yet another toy.
But it gets harder to keep children happy yet set boundaries as they grow.
What is the best way to do it, then? There is no magical formula because each family is different.
But there are proven solutions based on the constant passion of gifted parenting experts. Magda Gerber was one of them. She used to be an infant specialist known for her approach to raising children with respectful care (the Resources for Infant Educarers® (RIE®) approach). She thought that children should be explorers and self-learners who should be allowed to reach milestones at their own pace.
Here are seven quotes from Magda Gerber, which can help you become a laid-back, fabulous mom:
1. “Remember, nobody can make another person fall asleep.”
Devoted parents who rock, walk and sing for 3 hours straight to put their child to bed for the night would greatly benefit from this piece of advice.
Relaxing our brain to fall asleep is not something humans are born with. Regulating their emotions and shutting down their mind to external stimuli are skills that babies learn gradually.
How should parents survive and maintain their sanity in the meantime? Nursing the baby into sleep is the easiest way. Watching for the very first signs of tiredness is also essential.
Giving her cues about the time of the day to get used to the 24-hour day cycle works too.
Make her aware of daylight in the morning by opening up the curtains. Get her familiarized with the daily noises you make in the kitchen around meal time if she naps after lunch.
Protect her eyes of artificial light when going to bed in the evening. If you need to change diapers at night, use a low-watt bulb.
If your older child is being noisy when you are putting the baby to sleep, never mind. The baby will quickly learn to sleep with everyday noises, in fact, she may even find them comforting. If you notice that she is really disturbed by her big brother or sister’s endless hustle and bustle, consider making a quieter routine for the older sibling like solving a puzzle or taking a bath, or enlist dad’s help and send them to the park or on an errand.
2. “Having respect for the world is when you allow people to be what they are.”
Some toddlers shy away from over-friendly relatives whom they rarely meet. they would also rather play alone than be near other kids in the park. And they typically let other kids take their toy even though they apparently want it too.
If you are in this situation, you most likely have a sensitive child. Sensitivity does not equal weakness though. Vulnerable children are more insightful, compassionate, patient and more observant, which are real gifts in today’s world. Trying to change them would only lower their self-confidence. Telling them that they are shy would just make them self-conscious.
What can you do to help your kid?
You should acknowledge her feelings. Take into account her temperament when scheduling activities. Avoid over-scheduling as she might get easily overstimulated by noises, crowds, strangers, or lights. See if she is one for quieter activities like solving puzzles, reading or coloring books. Consider arranging play dates at your home with one or two children from school to help her feel more confident, in case she is starting school and has trouble interacting.
Whatever you do, do not punish her for what she is. Highlight her qualities and slowly guide her in social interactions.
3. “Observe more, do less, enjoy most.”
Children discover most from self-directed and self-chosen play. Learn to chill down by not stepping in unless she wants you too, it is for her safety, or it is socially inappropriate. Pay attention to her cues and actively listen to her. By doing this, you will be more relaxed, and your little one will become more self-confident.
How does it work in practice?
If your six-month-old baby has been groaning and struggling all day with various activities, should you just stand there and watch her without doing nothing? The answer is: limit your active involvement. She might groan because she is teething or because it is too hot in the room.
Offer her one or two teething toys, move to a different room or sit her outside on a blanket while you drink coffee. Instead of building that tower for her, talk about the tower and validate her efforts to make it.
4. “Predictability brings about security. “
Daily habits are freeing for children as an anticipated schedule allows them to better focus on the daily discovery of the world. Routines also foster self-discipline, a practical skill which is definitely helpful for adults. Moreover, it gives them a sense of control in managing daily situations.
5. “Sadness, discomfort, frustration, they are all valid human emotions. Why would we want to suppress them?”
Parents generally get embarrassed by their children when they are throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store for an apparently dumb reason. Stopping the yelling becomes the top priority, which parents accomplish by giving the child what she wants or by yelling back. Parents forget that their offspring just wish to be understood. What they need is to feel that their emotions are accepted by the person that they trust most.
This does not mean giving in to their demands. Parents need first to explain to the child that they understand their frustration. Explaining the reason why the request was unreasonable comes second.
6. “A positive goal to strive for when disciplining would be to raise children we not only love but in whose company we love being.”
Children do not need us to give in to their demands. They need limits that are applied consistently and to be treated with respect as the capable human beings that they represent. They need to experience by themselves through child-directed play to become independent and gain self-confidence. This is what every parent wants, right? To raise independent, confident human beings.
7. “This too shall pass.”
Your two-year-old who doesn’t speak yet and makes ear-piercing noises whenever she gets frustrated? Your older daughter is jealous of the new family addition? Even if you continuously explain, prevent and plan ahead?
“This too shall pass.” It is useful to think about this piece of advice when all others have failed. This quote from Magda Gerber actually comes from a medieval Persian poet and underlines the temporary nature of the human condition.
This phase shall too pass, and right now, there is nothing you can do to make your life or your baby’s life easier. Patience is the key to enjoying our children.
To summarize, the fundamental idea to learn from Magda Gerber is that children need to be taught with respectful care as they are whole human beings.
P.S. I bet you have developed your own approach for coping with the daily parenting struggles. What is it? Please share your experience with us.
